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| People are born in order to live, right? But the longer I've lived, the
more I've lost what's inside me - and ended up empty. And I bet the
longer I live, the emptier, the more worthless, I'll become.
Something's wrong with this picture. Life isn't supposed to turn out
like this! Isn't it possible to shift direction, to change where I'm
headed?
-Kafka on the Shore
Time to shift direction- after a year and a half. Or maybe four years, depending on which way I look at it.
And it's time to change. Things are going to get better.
These past few months (or, rather, what I'd like to call, senior year
for those of us who don't enjoy it) have slowly sapped me of all my
childhood interests. And by childhood I don't mean nostalgic
reverence in The Baby-Sitter's Club. I started watching Asian
dramas again, going to the bookstore, sitting around doing nothing,
watching terrible movies with good friends, getting along better with
my parents (maybe), getting ready to leave.
Even though it doesn't seem completely real at the moment... Rhode Island, here I come. May you be Brown and fuzzy.
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| wow. debate's all over now. except for nationals, which doesn't count, really.
towards the end, it all got so much better, but maybe it's just me being sentimental. but all these nice things, I've come to realize, couldn't have happened until the end, otherwise everything would be so different.
yesterday I read Sloppy Firsts, which was pretty bad but fairly hilar, during congress. I feel like scaling a wall. I don't even know.
what the fuck. life is so strange. the weather is gorgeous. but alas, cooped up inside. nothing new. and trying to live by milestones is so pointless. going with the flow is ideal and stress-free. this would've been a good epiphany four years ago. after a while, everything just blurs together. I hate realizing that something significant has changed after years of pushing aside the symptoms.
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| this has been such a nice week. they're such rarities, especially after the hell that was january. yay for money and relaxation before everything picks up again.
things always get better this time of year. august is usually a rude awakening, but maybe this year it'll be more exciting. in any case, next week is fairly ominous. joy.
I don't want to move away again. but I've always had a knack for stating the inevitable.
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| Why do little boys and girls my age always think they're the deepest shits in the world?
Characterstic: 'very liberal' on facebook, 'heated political discourse', probably do some form of debate or wish they could, rants all the time about things out of their control. I don't understand; having buddy icons and grandiose statements about the depth of your capitalistic despair conveys your poltical outhouse fairly clearly, but to whom? Is it so hard for people to form their own opinions about things? Stop spitting back out everything BBC, CNN, and your parents tell you and try to discern a real conclusion somewhere in between all your verbose bullshit. Look! You Are Free! And not only because Cat Power says so, but because you can throw your arms up and pretend to be a hippy.
These are the sorts of people who are fully-inducted traders/lawyers at their finest within ten years, the i-bankers of our glorious future, drowning in their money. Maybe in thirty years they'll find their vapid lives completely devoid of meaning and harken back to their pre-28-year-old selves with a drunken grin, and cheat on their wives/drink bleach some more. Secret: maybe the recipe for a more idealistic life is just to go with the flow; maybe those who are the most ordinary end up being the most moral. Yes, there's the 'burden of intelligence', but the state of the world is so fucked up that complaining is just sad. Invoking change might as well start with yourself. As I said before, stop being a cheap copy of faux
intellectualism and grow the hell up.
I'm obviously no flaming conservative. In fact, I agree with most of their liberal ideas and philosophies. But the difference is that you're the life you lead for yourself. Go out and do some community service. Maybe it seems futile, but I think that's all you can do. Cindy is so right...debate is such a useless activity. We learn so much about what's wrong with the world, but people who know so much less give much more back to the world. I wish I had done something else. Flaunting things I memorize for a seven minute speech does no one any good.
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